Defeated & Done...

   I was just blamed for everything that has happened in my three years of this marriage, basically. Okay...wait one damn minute! I'm not the one with the constant excuses. I'm not the one that's swept everything under the rug after asking for the help. And, I'm not the one that's tucking tail and hiding. I'm just the one that's had enough of a grown man's immaturity, dodging his parental responsibilities and laying blame on everyone but the one it should fall on...himself.
   After this post, I'm done with all this bullshit! I'm focusing on bettering my life. And, if that means I have to endure more crap until I can properly remove myself and my children from this...then that's what I do. Someone has to put a stop to it. And, I can clearly see that the one responsible for it continuing would rather drink and sing his problems away while someone else feels they have to fix it.
   For three years, I've blamed two girls for tearing my marriage apart. It hasn't been their fault directly. Children learn from what they see. How can someone teach their kids to show respect and want better for their lives when they don't show it for their own? It's sad when a stepparent shows more interest in the kids than the one that brought them into this world. And, if I find myself at a new residence because of this...I hope that something finally hits home with him...for their sakes.
   I love this man with all my heart. But, sometimes love can't be enough. There has to be mutual respect, and I feel with his lack of involvement...we don't share that. And, somewhere along the way I've lost respect for not only him, but myself by staying. I want the best for his kids just as I do for my own. But, I can't be the one to come and fix all the years before me...and, I'll be damned if I'm gonna be the one reaping the continuous crap from them ♥

Oh, Yes I Just Did...

   If I'm going to go out...I'm going out with a bang!!!

   My life, my love, "I", am worth way more than someone telling me that I'm causing problems by taking a stand on what is right and what is wrong, setting the rules of my home and following up on them with all children...not a select few. Like I've said before...I have played my life by the rules. I am not a mean person by nature. But, when pushed to my limits, I can be (as a couple of folks like to call me...quite often) the biggest bitch you ever came face to face with. Well, I'm finally at my limit with this "life" I thought I was going to share with someone that I felt was extremely special. Now, though, I know it was all a lie. Why? I probably will never know. And, I don't think it really matters anymore.
   I have endured disrespect, lying, stealing and drugs all for the sake of loving someone. But, no more!!! There has to be a stopping point. And, this is it. I haven't raised, disciplined, loved, took time to teach and guide my three children for going on the past 21 years to have my integrity, dignity, morality ripped apart by someone that clearly is either scared of his own or just really doesn't give a shit.
   I wholeheartedly believe in making mistakes. But, when you don't learn from them, correct them and change them, all they become is continuing habits. And, that is where I find myself. If the things that deem an apology never change, then I can't keep forgiving them. And, God says that we are to forgive...how many times, though, for the same things?
   I am not a fool, but I've been played one for the past few years...now, it ends...

♥...

   I am so thankful for the friends I work with at the thrift store. I work with some awesome ladies...and, some cool guys :) I know that no matter what's going on in my personal life, I can depend on someone making me laugh and smile a genuine smile. I haven't felt that in a long time. Not to mention the feeling of some kind of independence is nice to have. I know some of them get tired of my soap opera of a life at home. But, they have no idea how good it is to have someone to actually listen and agree with you. And, for that, I'm grateful to each of them. And, I hope that along the way over these three years, they know I am there for them when they need a shoulder or an ear to vent to. I love my job. And, just like everything else in my life, it has its ups and downs. But, when it's all said and done...I'm thankful for it and the people...

And, the Venting Begins...

   It's so sad to watch someone that says they love you just sit back and watch one of the best things they claim to have ever happened to them walk out of their life. If that's how they treat "the best"...I'd hate to know I was the "worst". I will not apologize to anyone for being the person I am. I am proud that I've lived my life pretty much by the rules. I'm proud that I work hard. I'm proud of the parent I've become over the years. And, I'm damn tired of feeling I have to prove my worth to some folks. No more compromising on the things I've put my foot down to from the beginning. No more bending over, reaching through my legs to kiss anymore asses. This is my life. You want to fuck yours up...go ahead. Just stay out of mine. I've done just fine for all these years and I'll do even better as they go by. Even though I've said it before...this is the final time...enough is well enough. And, this ole gal has been pushed to her enough! All I've wanted is to have a happy life...and, that's what I'm goin to have. I've earned that right, and I'll be damned if I allow anyone to take that away from me anymore.

   And, BTW...the reason I write my thoughts here is simple. I'm not venting on Facebook so I receive ridicule and force others to read my shit. I give the option when posting my blog on my Facebook. It's left to the individual to read, comment or ignore...

It Is What It Is...

   Situations do not constitute a family. Mutual respect between those involved in the situation makes a family. I've been hoping for something I'm now seeing is never going to happen. Wishing on a star, speaking up, even prayers, are not going to change what is. And, now I find myself having to start making some tough decisions in my life based on the results of the beginning situation. I can talk to someone all day long until I'm blue in the face and ran out of tears. But, at the end of the day, they make their own choices. And, as painful as it may become, I have to, in turn, make mine.
   So, having said all that...I'm going to say this...I may not be where I'm supposed to ultimately end up. But, I will be there one way or another. People come in and out of our lives to teach us something...no matter how big or how small. And, then we build ourselves from those lessons taught. One day, if you're lucky enough (or smart enough...LOL) you may just end up with "the one"...

When Is Enough Going to Be Enough?

   Sometimes we get so blinded by what we would like to happen that we pay no attention to what is actually taking place. Well, it's time I open my baby blues and accept that nothing is going to change no matter how understanding or how forgiving I may be. Maybe, that's why things seem to always end up at the beginning and never makes it to that light at the end of the tunnel. Damn that light. It's nothing but a blinding distraction! Not to mention it's unreachable. When we love someone, we let our hearts lead us. And, our hearts tend to get us onto a path that may not be good. And, that's where I've found myself. No matter what I say or do...until he sees things from a new perspective, it will remain. And, that's not where I need to be. So, now I fear, the end of this chapter has come. Even though the thought of a new chapter with my knight in shining armor would be the ideal thing for me...it's turning out to not be a realistic thing. In other words...I think I was defeated in this before I even began it. And, that's sad. But, now I'm faced with the truth of reality. What's next? I have no clue. But, I know that I will no longer look for a knight or a light...

   

     Sometimes in the midst of all life's craziness, we tend to lose focus on the important things and people. We have the choice to make our lives whatever we want it to be. And, just because someone has to be in it, doesn't mean they have the automatic privilege of being an active part of it. Today, I choose to let go of the negative parts of my life...whether it be something or someone. ♥